By Trevor Bayliss, MD

I am feeling sick and tired of COVID-19!  I just want my kids to be able to play with friends.  I want to celebrate birthdays.  Mine is just around the corner! And no, I DO NOT want a birthday car parade!  I want to shake hands with my patients and hug them after a good scan result.  I want my patients and colleagues to see the smile behind my mask.  Can anyone relate?  But more than this I want my patients, family, friends to be safe and healthy.  By far, the number one question I have been asked by my patients over the last 2 months is, “What is my personal risk for COVID-19?”  Followed next by, “is it safe to interact with my grandkids?”

There is plenty written about COVID-19 and you may be feeling COVID-19 overload, but I want to share perhaps a new angle as an oncologist with an underlying condition trying to guide my kids through the complexity of “re-opening.”  My underlying condition is LGL T-cell leukemia, which thankfully has been under excellent control with the use of a weekly medication for the last 23 years.  But there was a time I was incredibly sick, on supplemental oxygen, and at my lowest point in April, 1997 given weeks to months to live.  I am probably at higher risk for COVID complications.  Although, on other hand, I’ve maintained excellent health, run daily, eat pretty well, meditate, and have no other medical risk factors.  I like to think that evens things out?  In the years after I was recovering, I can truly say, I was not afraid to die.  From that low point in the spring of ’97 every extra day was a gift.  But then I had kids and once again, it was not okay to die!  I happily took back some of that fear of death when I had my children, at least until they become grown men.  In any event, I would rather not test things with COVID-19.

The “stay at home” order has lifted in Massachusetts and people are getting out.  All around us people are starting to interact, small playdates, a bon-fire with some friends, grandparents starting to come over.  Meanwhile, active cases are still percolating in our community.  I do not blame or judge any parent’s decisions in this confusing time.  There is no one helping us to assess the risk of each scenario in each community.  But I do think our children have a great capacity to understand how things are different.  Mine are almost 7, 9, and 11 and they have shown amazing capacity to adapt, understand, embrace the change.  They are getting used to wearing a mask.  Hand washing upon returning home and using hand sanitizer when they are out and about is automatic for them now. 

Before you think things are perfect in the Bayliss household let me be transparent in reporting that iPad time has doubled since pre-COVID-19, arguments are frequent, and home schooling is stressful!  As we begin to have more social distancing in-person encounters, we have lots of conversations about how to be safe.  I try to ask them frequently about how they are feeling, what concerns them most.  The dialog is most important to demystify and dispel fear.  I do not talk to them about my condition and I can’t tell them for sure what would happen if I got COVID-19.  Thankfully, they haven’t asked.  They have asked my if it scares me and I’ve answered a truthful, “Yes… but with the proper precautions we can stay safe.”

Our children seem to have a much greater capacity than the adults to mold these changes into their lives and happily move on.  We CAN begin to resume life, but with physical distancing, masks, hand hygiene, utilizing outdoor space.  Tough decisions about what is okay will be made by all of us and there will not always be a right answer or an exact guideline to follow.  Over the next couple of months my message to my kids will be to practice opening our hearts and loving even more while physically distancing and wearing a mask.  We need to avoid letting physical distancing practices lead to heart distancing.  We need to be kind to those who are clearly having anxiety and stress over reopening, and equally to those protesting to open the economy and get their livelihoods back.

Our boys had their first social distancing playdate with trusted friends and my 9-year-old reported, “I didn’t know what to do at first, but it was my best day since before coronavirus.”  The decision to do this was difficult.  I find myself alternating between great optimism that the worst is over in our community to feeling that a second wave is a forgone conclusion.  The latter is probably true, but the timing and severity is anyone’s guess.  The more we loosen social distancing / masking / etc. the more potential for a sooner and more severe second wave.  Teaching these principles to our kids and modeling it for them should be our obligation if we care about our neighbors.